On Conversation: Small Talk

Small talk: Bane or Blessing of conversation

For a long time, I used to rail against any conversation about the weather. The weather? I would protest. Who cares if it is raining, snowing, lovely outside or anything else. It could be a blizzard of gold flakes, raining tulip petals and I would still prefer to discuss philosophy. In short, for a long time, I was bad at small talk and sough, much to many disagreements, to cut it out of all conversations.

Small talk is necessary. As an introvert, I don't find it particularly stimulating or engaging. A conversation that last for more than three minutes and never moves past general questions about the upcoming weekend or, yes, the dreaded weather, are marked off as a waste of time. However, small talk is necessary in any but the most important conversation.

First, it is familiar. Everyone has talked about their plans for the long weekend, usually at least once already that day. Everyone knows what is going on outside the window, hopefully. It is non threatening, non disruptive and mostly automatic. A good entry into a conversation.

Plus, it establishes both people as part of the conversation and makes them feel heard. I'm not an extrovert, but my more extroverted friends tell me that this is important in any exchange. They want to have easy, light conversation to establish trust and camaraderie before diving into the deeper subjects.

For that reason, small talk is a good way to gauge how the other person feels about a conversation. The basic interactions have so many possible variations to signal everything from "Leave me alone" to "Lets start a three hour conversations." Granted, it would be nice if some people were a little more observant of my social cues that I am busy.

Finally, small talk is endlessly adaptable. If you are tired of the same old response, all it takes is a touch of creativity to liven up the usual remarks about the weather, your weekend, and your life. When you gain control over a conversation like that, it is easy to segue into more interesting topics, by a pointed remark, or to end the conversation more effectively. Actually, it can be quite fun to think of such comments.

I'm still not a fan of small talk, but it is easier to put up with when you think about why people insist on it so.

On Conversation: Storytelling

What better pairing than tea and conversation?

As I said yesterday, silence kills a conversation. 

However, there are two ways to begin a conversation again: by prompting the other person to speak or by speaking yourself. The first way is the one we are probably most familiar with: asking questions to prompt stories or explanations for the other person.

However, a good conversation is about give and take. No one person can dominate the entire conversation, but nor should they be forced to by receiving only questions. That would be an interview and an in balance of power. It is incredibly dissatisfying to either only absorb the other's stories and to never give out any of yours. How else will you develop your ideas, learn to compare concepts, or pass on your own understanding? Questions are good, but stories are necessary.

For the longest time, I was unwilling to take the lead in a conversation, because I had developed my question asking ability to the detriment of my story telling. The few times I tried to give a story, it fell flat- fumbling, awkward and rambling. So I retreated to the safety of my dominant skill, questioning, and let the other person fill most of the conversation.

But besides being rude for the other person, not telling stories was detrimental to me as well. It is said that something is not truly learned until it is taught. In the same way, something is not truly thought until it is spoken (or written- which is why I have been blogging so much). How much use are the thoughts in your head if you can't express them? And how better to express them than to your friends in conversation?

Like most skills, story telling is an art that can be learned with practice. It's taken me a conscious effort though and a great deal of thought. My main training is that when someone asks me a question, even one as simple as "how are you?", I don't answer as succinctly as possible and return the question to them.  I try to actively elaborate on the answer- try to turn it into a story.

Does this sometimes result in sharing too many details? Yes. Does this sometimes mean people learn more about my day than they were intending? Yes. Does this bother me? No. I'm learning the skill and know that I will make mistakes for a long time.

Another problem I have is that I share too many details in my story- trying to fit it as exactly to the reality I experienced as possible. I'm working on cutting out some of those details- finding the theme of the story rather than details and playing with that- even if that means leaving bits out.

My advice for going forward is three fold: identify what is keeping you from being a storyteller, identify what in your stories needs the most work, practice constantly.

On Conversation: Silence

An Intimate Conversation, Dana Ettmeer

Conversation is a give and take. Ideally, no one person should dominate most of the conversation. But the flip side is also true: no one person should be forced to dominate most of the conversation because the other is reticent to speak. 

Unless you are very good friends with someone, silence is uncomfortable. When the conversation has petered out and you are both left frantically scrambling for something- anything to say- it is one of the most awkwardly uncomfortable experiences I have felt.

Naturally, I know that silence can happen for many reasons: both conversationalists are introverts and tend to be quiet, the conversations gone for more than an hour and everyone is numbed, one of the participants is bored of the conversation and biding their time till they can leave, etc.  And while I know the first two reasons are more likely given my friends and the lengths of conversations, my mind always assumes the last one. The conversation ends and I leave feeling worried about leaving the other person bored and bothered at my own lack of conversational skills. 

Tomorrow I'll give my first technique for cutting down silences and becoming a better conversationalist. 

On Conversation: Introduction

Study for Conversation, Leon Kroll

All my life, I've learned that the key to a good conversationalist is to listen more than you talk.  The general perception of conversation is that everyone wishes to be the center and subject. Obviously, it will be a dull conversation indeed if the conversation is a fight to say the most. Also, listening is a difficult skill to master because it does not simply mean being quiet. Your mind can not be wandering while someone else speaks. You need to stay quiet but attentive, actively seeking to understand and frame questions. Finally, many books stress that the best way to make friends is to get them talking about themselves. Be attentive to that and they will be yours forever.

But what happens when two master listeners sit down for a conversation?

This past winter, a friend came to visit. While we had stayed in touch through letters and emails, we hadn't ever sustained a real conversation for any length of time. It turns out that she has studied at the same school of conversation as I have- asking questions, giving intelligent responses, but tending to be on the quieter side.

For the first time in a long time, I found myself needing to not only fill at least half of the conversational time, but keep up a conversation nearly three straight days.  There is a reason the Victorians valued conversation so highly; it is difficult. Very difficult. Hence my interest in a mini-series on how to have a conversation. As always, please share any tips or tricks you have learned.

Seven Lessons in Elegance: May

Elegance is the hallmark of an Aristocrat. It pervades every movement, every word, every gesture. But in the hustle of our day to day lives, it is easy to forget that we must have elegance in the little things as well as the large.

May is traditionally the true threshold of spring. March may house the Vernal Equinox, but only May can be said to be truly free of winter's grasp. May these little lessons help remind you of the beauty of spring.

1. Take a walk around your neighborhood or city and notice the flowering trees and gardens that are blooming now.

2. If you see someone gardening, especially in a public place, thank them for helping the beautify the world.

3. Take your lunch outside and find a pretty place to eat in the sun. Even better if you can turn it into a picnic with friends.

4. Open your windows for fresh air during the day.

5. Find Vivaldi's "Four Seasons" and listen to 'Spring.' The opening measures sound perfect for spring's exhilaration.

6. Rearrange a part, or all, of your room to get rid of clutter and produce a more open feel. I like to rearrange my room for each season.

7. Stretch each morning after getting out of bed for better energy. Your body wants to be moving more now.

What traditions or rituals do you have to welcome in spring?

How to Store Your Winter Wardrobe

I've always wondered what mothballs smelled like. They are always described as the signature scent of musty old uncles and batty aunts in children's stories, but I never knew what it meant. Now, dear readers, I know what moth crystals- if not moth balls smell like and- there's a reason my window has been open all day.

Yes, the time has come. The last sweater collected from the dry cleaners. The canister of moth crystals has been purchased. And, with the weather remaining a balmy 70 degrees, it was finally time to collect my various winter garments that were strewn about my room and put them away.

Now two boxes stand beside my door, ready to be carried down and stored in the basement until next fall. I thought it might be helpful to explain the process. It is pretty simple.

You will need:

~ Your winter clothes (These are the sweaters, long underwear, hats, mittens, scarves, and socks worn in cold weather. Also include though the long sleeves shirts, woolen skirts, and winter dresses only worn in the colder months. Why have them clutter up your closet?)

~ Boxes

~ Plastic garbage bags.

~ Moth Crystals, moth balls, cedar blocks, etc. (You want something to deter pests, especially if you are storing wool or other natural fibers)

~ Tissue paper

A very well organized basement storage

What you will do:

~ Collect all of your winter clothes. This is, for me, the hardest part. Hats seem to be hiding in strange corners, socks are unpaired, skirts forgotten in the closet. Take a week perhaps and just pile everything into the middle of the room while you collect them.

~ Clean everything. Wash it, if you can. Dry clean if you can't. Remember to scrub down boots too.

~ Sprinkle some of the mothballs or crystals on the bottom of the box. Then open a garbage bag inside. Both box and garbage bag alone have their disadvantages. Boxes are susceptible to damp and garbage bags are fragile. Simply combine them together. Plus, the moth crystals will deter the moths without, hopefully, penetrating through the plastic of the bag.

~ Though this step isn't necessary in the slightest, I wrapped all my garments in tissue paper. Why? They looked nice? An added layer of protection? The excitement of unwrapping them in the fall? It was a fun and easy step.

~ Place everything neatly inside the garbage bag. Don't squash them to make everything fit.

~ Close the bags, sprinkle some more moth balls on top, close up the boxes themselves. And store them in an out of the way place generally safe from excess damp, humidity, or light.

Voila! You are finished. Maybe you have a single box. Maybe you have a dozen. But your winter wardrobe is stored which gives your closet plenty of room to store your spring clothes.

A Sewing Triumph: My First, Finished Skirt

The cover picture

Today I have finished my first solo sewing project: Folkwear's Walking Skirt. A long journey has finally finished and I wanted to share some of the adventures and lessons learned along the way.

It all started while browsing through my local thrift shop. I happened across nearly 4 yards of blue, damask fabric. In all honesty, it is probably upholstery fabric. The drape isn't terribly good and the pattern would look nice on a chair.

Now, I know I'm not a good seamstress yet. But I have been hankering for a floor length, Victorian-esque walking skirt to incorporate into my wardrobe. At only ten dollars for 3.75 yards, it was too good a deal to pass up. What better way to practice my skills?

Next, after considerable searching, I settled on folkwear's Walking Skirt pattern. Though I have never sewn with them before, their selection of ethnic and historical patterns are lovely. If you are a seamstress or want to be, check out their catalog.

A good, basic skirt

This is when I begin to regret not having a camera to show the step by step process.

As you can see from the line drawings, the skirt is pretty basic. A very good beginner's pieces. The pattern requires straight seams, gathering, slip stitching, and a button hole. If I didn't have the internet at my disposal, I might have panicked a bit more than I did. But looking up a few tutorials for each of the terms and mucking about myself, makes me feel confident enough to try it again.

Veteran seamstresses, hold your chuckles, but here are some lessons I've learned:

~ When the pattern gives you little marks, stars, or dots, mark them on your fabric when you're cutting them out. It save so much unfolding, repinning and then marking.

~ Invest in some sewing chalk. Pen, while seemingly a brilliant idea at 11 in the evening, is not. Especially when it is a contrasting color to your fabric.

~ If your fabric has nap (ie the front looks noticeably different from the back), make sure you can easily tell the different. I spent so much time peering at the fabric trying to see if I was looking at the front or back side.

~ Notches are easier to cut and match than the raised triangles.

~ After cutting, I would serge or finish the edges some how to keep the edges neater and from fraying.

~ Buttonholes are addicting.

~ I desperately need to learn to cut in a straight line. My edges were wonky, ragged and generally a mess. But I dismissed the confusion with the rationalization that "it will be hidden by the hems." Here's a hint: those wonky edges are what you will be following during your hemming. Which leads to:

~ I desperately need to learn to sew in a straight line. Wonky edges lead to wonky seams. Those little corrections that seemed so slight under the needle are noticeable on the fabric. Also, having all the fabric lined up before sewing.

~ In short: small imperfections compound.  If you aren't making mistakes or being frustrated, you're not learning.

Street and walking view lengths

As you probably guessed, the skirt came out a little wonky. I need to hem it again and actually measure for my height this time, rather than just follow the instructions. I'll also probably cut the button off and move it an inch to the left, to tighten the waistband. In fact  I'll probably create a new waistband and try it again at some point. But now?

I am pleased. Very pleased. The skirt is full and amazing. I love that I know how to make a placket and a button hole. My understanding of skirt anatomy has increased ten fold as has my comfort levels with adjusting and tailoring skirts. I also think I'll be able to salvage my utter failure of a recent drafting attempt. 

What are some stories from your first sewing adventures?

Aristocrat in the Kitchen: Learning to Cook

Despite the old walls, the kitchen still feels welcoming.

It is a sad fact of life that not all of us are born knowing how to cook. It is even sadder that reading through cook books, food blogs, or nutrition text books does not grant you the ability either. Oh, it is possible to slough through a cook book, following each recipe exactly, and emerge with some idea of how to cook. But it won't be that enviable competency of the kitchen.

The sort where, upon strolling into the grocery store and seeing tomatoes are on sale, immediately inventories their fridge and buys half a dozen knowing how to create salsas, pizza sauces and the like as soon as they return home. It isn't the sort who has rack upon rack of spices and tosses them into the soup seemingly at random- stopping only taste the broth, nod sagely to themselves and then a few more sprinkles of this and that and- Voila! Perfection in a bowl.

Luckily, if cook books lead to half knowledge and experimentation leads to unedible or bland constructions- in my experience- there is a very simple way to learn how to cook: ask a friend. Learning from another person is far more enjoyable than the other ways and, I believe, is far more instructive. Unlike a cook book, a friend can answer your specific questions or explain how to do some incomprehensible step. The process is very simple:

A dream stove.

1. Find a friend who is willing to teach you to cook. No doubt there is always someone who possess more knowledge in the kitchen than you. Be it your best friend or someone you would like to be better friends with, ask them. People like doing other people favors.

2. Choose a menu. Depending on your skill level, it is better to start with simple basics that you can make on a weekly basis without going over budget growing sick of. Pizza dough and pizza, roasted root vegetables, pasta sauce, home made soup, fruit tart, etc.

3. Go shopping. Everyone has their own route through the grocery store and their own small list of things to buy. Going shopping with a friend is like stepping into an entirely new building. Aisles you never traveled down before suddenly become full of new, exciting products. Plus sales or certain items might spark last minute menu revisions. An elegant touch is to offer to pay for all the groceries. After all, you're the student.

4. Cook! You may end up doing a lot of things you've done before- like chopping garlic or washing lettuce. But that's alright. Watch your friend carefully. Ask questions or for clarification. Pay attention to what spices or sauces are used. Play some nice music. Have a good conversation in the down time. Learn to clean as you cook.

5. Eat the food you prepared. Most cooks will have a commentary about what they have just made. The butter didn't cool enough. The chicken wasn't cut into small enough pieces. It could have used some more garlic salt. Listen to that and memorize the taste of the food. You are beginning to develop a palette for different dishes. Soon, possibly, you'll be able to deconstruct dishes at restaurants.

6. Make the food again. Within the next week, make each of the dishes you learned again. They won't be exactly the same. They won't taste quite as good. But you need to memorize how to make them and start learning to tell yourself that "Oh, this needs more salt" or "That was over cooked." This is also a good time to realize that you didn't remember how hot to have the oven or that you weren't paying close enough attention to the spices. Look it up online or call your friend.

7. Go back to the cook books. Now that you know the basics of how to roast a sweet potato or make a pizza, go to the cook books or online for inspiration and variation. Tastespotting is one of my favorite cooking sites. As you grow more comfortable with the foods, feel free to start improvising with ingredients or techniques. The more you learn, the more confident you'll be in the kitchen and the better your diet will become.

How did you learn to cook?

Why Wash Wool (and Other Natural Fibers)

In an earlier post, I promised an explanation of how I wash my natural fibers. I am beginning to collect quite a few different pieces of 100% something or the other, only because I have overcome my fear of ruining those pieces in the wash- a fear which seems common to many people browsing the thrift store. This will not be an exhaustive tutorial of how to washing things- and if any of it is incorrect, please let me know before its too late. It's simply what has worked for me in the past.

If it is laundry day and the pile of clothing looms threateningly, do not- I repeat- do not just throw it all into the washer and run away. Different fabrics require different care depending on how they are created at a microscopic layer. Wool, for instance, is the hair of a sheep. And like our hair is comprised of tiny scales. When these strands are heated, the scales spring open and latch on to each other. If the fibers are then agitated, these newly formed teeth reach out and claw across each other, sticking and tangling- so when you pull your sweater out of the wash (which is designed to heat and agitate fabrics) it's the shape remains but about twenty sizes too small because of how the fibers compacted. Hence horror stories of ruined wool items.

But fear not- this need not be the fate of all garments.

First, look at the inside tag of each and ever item. These are put on by the makers who generally have a decent idea about how their item should be handled. If it says wash in cold, put in a cold pile. If warm, put in a warm pile.Never the two shall mix. It is surprising how many natural fibers can stand up to the washing machine- I have cashmere sweaters that like warm and cotton that likes hot.

If the tag says dry clean- it's a suggestion- not a commandment carved in stone.Put it to the side for the moment.

If the tag says dry clean ONLY- you're in a dilemma  The most common reason for this concern is that the item has a, generally, wool exterior and a silk or polyester lining. If you wash the wool in warm, it will shrink. If you wash the polyester in cold, it won't be washed. Dry cleaners- through magic I know not- are able to circumvent this problem. I've come up with three possible solutions:

~ If you have the money, want to ensure the life span of the piece, or just bought it from the thrift store, take it to the dry cleaners.

~ If you are a broke grad student like me and are ambivalent about necessary cleanliness or lifespan of the piece, put it in the pile with the other dry clean pieces.

~ If you are hard core, remove the lining from the item, wash each separately, and, I guess, resew them together afterwards.

Now, look to the much smaller pile of dry clean garments. What you need now is a bath tub, some mild detergent  and many, many, many towels. A spare room is also useful. Or understanding room mates.This technique is especially recommended for Grad students because the steps are far enough spaced that you can get a good chunk of studying finished between each.

First, fill up the bath tub with cold- it must be cold- water. Add a bit of detergent. Let the detergent soak in and then carefully add your sweaters and other things. If you are terribly conscientious, separate colors from whites from black. Fill the tub so that all the sweaters are submerged.

Do not scrub the sweaters.

Do not swish them about.

Do not mix them up, turn them over, attempt to reenact the parting of the red seat, etc.

Do squish them down lightly until they are submerged. Do gently press down on them- careful not to agitate the fibers. Do work any particularly dirty spots generally. (For actual stains, consult the internet.)

Let them soak in the water for as long as it takes you to memorize another chapter, then drain the water, fill the tub up again, and soak. This is the rinsing phase.

Once, you feel the detergent sufficiently rinsed, drain and leave the sweaters in there for a while. Press gently on them to remove some of the excess water, but let most of it drain out through gravity.

Here is where the towels come into play. After the sweaters are washed, rinsed, and drained, pick them up gently and, without squeezing, wringing or twisting, lay them flat on a towel. Yes, they will be heavy and soaked. Roll the towel up, squeeze out the excess water and transfer the sweater to another towel in another room. It will take about two days to dry fully (see what I said about understanding room mates) check twice a day to turn the sweater over and change out the towel underneath.

This would be an excellent time and place to put all those other clothes to dry. For, as you were reading the labels  you'll notice that about half of those clothes that can go into the dryer ask to be either line dried or dried flat. Listen to those requests! It is the hot air and the tumble drying that wear out clothes so fast. Plus, by air drying, you are saving electricity on your bill.

If a garment is knitted rather than woven, it will most likely be asked to be dried flat. If you try to dry it on a hanger, the garment is going to lose its form and you'll end up with awkward bumps on the top of the shoulder. Most unsightly.  Lay these out on a towel as well and they should be dried with in a day or two.

Those with tags that say tumble dry low, can be tumble dried low with just about everything else that is left over.

Now, you are still not quite finished. After everything has dried out, pick up your iron and ruin it quickly over your linens, cottons and any wool that are wrinkled. Pay attention to the tag not the iron settings. Another annoying thing about synthetic fibers is that you can't iron them without turning them into plastic. Natural fibers can be ironed and have that lovely, crisp quality. Then hang everything in the closet right away rather than keeping it piled on your floor. After all that work, it would be a shame not to put things away properly.

Do you see why washer women were so Vital to the Victorians?

Much like this post, laundry can seem enormously challenging. But it's not. All told, it is maybe three hours of work spread out over two days time. Getting up to change the laundry, turn over the sweaters or iron a few shirts is a great study break and can calm the mind while the hands remain busy. Plus, the next time that you put on your sweater, skirt, shirt or otherwise, you know that you are wearing something of great personal value.

If anyone has tips, tricks or questions, I'd love to hear them. Again, if it seems I am doing something wrong, let me know.

How to Build your Winter Wardrobe

Winter has finally lifted her snowy hand from the ground. Birds sing in the trees, crocuses spring forth delicate and colorful, the weather turns practically balmy. As I prepare my cold weather clothing for storage,  I wanted to share an example of putting theory into practice. 

Spending the past four years in a warm and temperate climate did not prepare me for the chills and freezing weather of this Northern Clime. I had one sweater, one pair of winter socks and no long underwear or other layers to my name. When the first snow fell, my impulse was immediately to run to the nearest thrift store and buy as many sweaters as could fit into my arms as possible- regardless of size, material or color.

Such desperate measures do not become an Aristocratic Lady. How many times had purchases of desperation tided you over and then remained cluttering up your closet, never to be worn again? This was the perfect opportunity to practice designing a rational, aesthetically complete wardrobe. To purchase pieces I would love to wear, would match what already hung in my closet, and hold true to my aesthetic. But first, I needed to develop that aesthetic.

My first stop was to various blogs, tumblrs, cold weather adds and more. I skimmed through hundreds of pictures, sending any photo that even remotely caught my eye or my interest to a Winter Wardrobe file. After a week, a sizable collection had developed. This time, I flicked through those collected  photos and took stock of any themes in the photos. While a fur skirt is out of the question, alas, there was a noticeable trend towards fair isle designed, oversize sweaters, and many layers.  

But, in the course of my wandering through various books, I just finished "Overdressed: the surprisingly high cost of cheap fashion" by Elizabeth L Cline- an easy, informative overview of what is wrong with the modern garment industry. It was this book, however, that cemented my desire to only buy and wear natural fibers- but that is a blog post of it's own.

My final consideration was the realization that I disliked cardigans. No matter how good they look on the web or hanger, no matter how classy they seem, I feel frumpy when I wear them. Short, long, thin, thick, belted, not- I feel as though I've gained twenty pounds and fifty years with a single garment. No matter the price, fabric, or design- I was not going to add another item to my closet that would make me feel awful by the end of the day.

Armed now with a set of themes, the axiom of only 100% natural fibers and the resolve of no more cardigans, I finally ventured into the thrift store. What could have been an overwhelming selection, was now manageable  I passed over the solid colored sweaters and went straight to the patterned- flipping past the cardigans until I found 100% wool sweaters.

Now, three beautiful, adored sweaters are sitting on their shelf, ready to be packed away for the summer. They will keep me warm and elegant feeling for years. Plus I'll have the satisfaction of knowing that they are a result of not random chance, but careful consideration and planning. I am planning on doing the same with my summer wardrobe soon after the success of updating my winter one. I hope that you found this case study interesting and possibly helpful. There are so many fashion blogs and magazines, but so few that actually give a solid example of how to turn your aesthetic into reality. 

Has anyone had similar success with their wardrobes or have a different method for choosing clothes?

Seven Lessons in Elegance: April

Elegance is the hallmark of an Aristocrat. It pervades every movement, every word, ever gesture. But in the hustle of our day to day lives it is easy to forget that we must have elegance in the little things as well as the large. So this is the first of a new series of monthly reminders: little habits to be aware of to make sure we remain elegant every day.

1. Take your seat elegantly. Do not fall, slouch or plop, but  sit with controlled grace.

2. As you walk, sit, or stand, try to raise the sternum of the chest for better posture. Do not throw your you shoulders back, but raise your spine. This improves breathing and circulation as well.

3. Turn off your computer at the end of each day. Do not leave it asleep, by the edge of the bed, but finish the day  completely.

4. Tidy your desk or work space before bed. Some chaos is necessary in the room and soul of any Aristocrat, but a cluttered desk only wearies the mind before the day's begun.

5.  Arranging your hangers evenly, despite the futility of the task, makes for a pleasing display in the closet. Measure one fingers width between hangers.

6.  Go through your unmatched socks and try to find their pairs. If they remain lonely at the end of the process, throw them away. Why clutter your life?

7.  Try to smile at people as you pass them on the street. Take note of who smiles back and who doesn't. It is a little ritual to bring a sense of community to our modern world.

Seven simple tasks. Seven little reminders. Rebellion and alternative lifestyle are found less in ones thoughts and more in the simple acts of day to day life.

What do you do to bring elegance to your life in little ways?