September 2, 2013

New Beginnings and a New Direction

September has always marked the New Year for me.  Although the seasons were winding down the slow decline to winter, I was just gearing up for the new school year. New classes, new books, new clothes, new possibilities- each september promised a reinvention of myself. What more could you ask from a New Year?

Time and age have diminished the excitement of the beginning of the school year, as they do so many things, but this year I am faced with- what I am trying desperately to see as- a chance at a total new beginning. What better time to have it than now in September?

While this blog has discussed my personal experiences as I try to apply my aesthetic of Neo-Aristocracy to my life, there has been a level of abstraction. I've presented situations and scenarios that, while personal, have already been thought through until that nugget of knowledge or inspiration could be found. However, I'm going to need this blog for something more personal.

Two weeks ago, my fiance, The Law Student, cheated on and then broke up with me. It would have been five years this month.

We had met the first year of undergrad and spent four of our most formative- or so I thought- years in uncanny harmony. That time culminated in 6 weeks spent travelling Europe with no love lost despite the continual presence. It was in Europe that we agreed to be married after school. But Gradschool pulled us to opposite ends of the country. I went up North for Acupuncture; he went south for law school.  I now have some very strong thoughts about long distant relationships.

Then this summer, he met someone. What started as a dismissible crush turned into all night conversations and declarations of mutual love, before he told me everything that happened. I wanted to rebuild our relationship; he wanted a polyamorous one among other things. After a weeks discussion and reflection, he finally made a decision and broke up with me.

There is a lot to process about this break up. A lot of the details were very ugly and poorly handled- especially on his part. It has raised so many more questions about the nature of relationships and difficult situations and given me a few revelations about life. So much of what I thought I knew about how the world and the human mind worked is gone.

As I'll probably explain later, having this blog has helped me in so many ways than I thought possible- but also as an avenue for self-exploration. Journaling is essential and important, but sometimes the extra push of knowing others will be reading your thoughts is needed.

Some degree of distance is essential for a blog- after all, my readers- though dear- are not family or friends and a blog is public for all. So there will be no furious rants or heartfelt sobs. Yet, this is too important a change to not mention.

How will this blog change? I can't say for certain. I'll analyze certain parts of this experience and try to draw greater lessons from them. I'll certainly be putting some more thoughts about romance, relationships, and love. A lot of reflection about what I now want from my life. I'd love to hear your thoughts on them too. But I'll still want to discuss clothing, aesthetics, food and the principles of Neo-Aristocracy, but there will be this more personal tinge as well.

It has been a very busy and life changing August and this next year will offer many opportunities for growth and change. What changes will you be going through?


  1. I'm very sorry to hear about your break-up, but I like how you see this as an opportunity for re-invention :)

    1. Thank you, dear. I am trying very hard to look for the silver linings in this cloud. While they are there, some days seem more cloud than lining. Time, they say, heals all wounds though...

  2. My own parents are going through a divorce now, after having been together for almost 30 years. Well, let's just say that I find myself, yet again, feeling thankful of my own asexual nature. I realize how fragile certain relationships are and that I much prefer a family bond, a blood bond. It strikes me as much harder to break such a bond than one that is based in attraction. I don't like changes, I enjoy status quo very much, so new beginnings are always frought with anxiety for me. Right now I'm seeking solace in the things around me that are unchanging.

    I don't discuss these things on my blog as I see my online activity as a way of distancing myself from worldly matters. But we all handle the problems in our personal lives differently. If you feel the need to be more personal then you should! I'll enjoy reading your blog no matter what!

    1. Oh Nadja... I am so sorry to hear that. My own parents have just signed the divorce papers this August on their own 30+ years of marriage. This isn't the right forum for that discussion, but if you want, I'd love to talk about it in emails.

      And thank you. I won't turn this into my personal journal, and its not like I've lost all interest in the previous subjects. But I'm glad to know I won't be losing my readers.

  3. We should start a club, You and Nadja and I, of "My parents divorced after 30+ years of marriage." My parents' was finalized in July. And it was/is fraught with hard feelings and slow coming (largely negative) revelations. I've done my best to stay out of it, but that's a strange thing to do.

    I am sorry for your loss ... ending ... difficult change? I am encouraged by your boldness and willingness to find your path in it. I'll buy a ticket; let's go for the ride.

    1. You know, you may be right. What are the chances that the three of us- alternative fashion bloggers- all around the same age and all our parents separating after 30+ years? Serendipity.

      I am sorry for your loss. There are many negative emotions and revelations that arise when you see a relationship fall apart- especially one that has been for so long.

      But thank you for your support. Fingers crossed that it will be a good ride.