Long Distance Relationships

In short, don't.

If you are not in a hurry, here is the longer version:

The Law Student and myself attended the same undergrad, and many of the same classes, together. It was a rare day that we did not see each other. However, our choices for grad school drew us to opposite poles of the country. We both wanted the best possible schooling, since we both valued education so. My best school was up North and, even though he was accepted into schools in the same city, his best school was in the South where he eventually was accepted and attended.

I do not know if this was a mistake. It is impossible to know or guess how things might have unfolded had we been together. Which is better: the personal development the pain of being on my own in a strange city forced or the sweet joys of companionship and stability?

But I do know that the distance contributed to the sudden shattering of my relationship.

It was a ten hour bus ride between our cities and we were both full time, busy students. Seeing each other for a week became nothing short of a miracle as we usually had to fit our reunion of a month at a time into the space of two- three days.  Sometimes it seemed easier to just to not see him, rather than say goodbye again. There were so many times that I made the long treck back to my house, fighting back tears.

During our times apart, we talked on the phone or on the computer, but when our days were focused on learning the very nuances of two very different professions, there was precious little common ground to fall back on. After all, we hadn't the day to day experiences to discuss and we hadn't the energy or time to discuss the arts or philosophies we both enjoyed. Our conversations revolved around old memories and plans for the future. They ended quickly and lacked a certain spark.

It became easier when we did see each other to share media, rather than talk. We nocticed that it took time to warm up and become used to eachother and it was harder the longer we were apart. Also, the weekends were our precious down time for both of us. We were both introverts. At the end of the week, there wasn't quite the energy or drive to go out and explore. So we played computer games. I have seen most all of Star Trek: Voyager and Star Trek: Deep Space 9 in the course of a handful of weekends and breaks this past year.  We weren't making new memories. The Law Student, already a devoted Trekie, wasn't even seeing anything new.

Of course, in our own personal lives, we were continuing to develop and evolve. School, new locations, meeting new people- these are were forcing us to change. Only, we were no longer meeting the same people, reading the same books, going to the same places. Instead, we were developing in different directions under different influences in such subtle ways that- for all our introspection- we didn't discuss. After all, there were no discussions over dinner or in bed to bring us up on those fleeting revelations of the day.

As a final flourish to these dilemmas, we didn't have a good method to discuss our personal problems for as good at discussion as we were. Our fights in five years could be counted on three fingers and were a such a strange and alien discussion that any anthropologist would be confused.  We discussed the thoughts of the mind and, not speaking for him, I never wanted to discuss my fears and confusions with him for fear of not being rational enough.

Retrospect ties up experiences into neat lessons and reveals flaws indiscernible in the moment. But I can't say that I didn't have some worries about these problems. There were a handful of times I tried to address them and was met with incredulity. Or else fixes were tried but never maintained and we fell back on the same habits. It's only now that I realize how toxic those little worries were.

But the problem is, I don't know what we could have done to prevent these. The circumstances (our Introvertedness, school, the long distance, etc) couldn't be changed. Or else, if they were changed, it would be incredibly drastic: moving schools, the time and money to visit every other weekend, forcing past our exhaustion to go do "things," etc. As with environmental change, drastic steps seem out of proportion until a disaster.

These are problems that I think would plague most long distance relationships, even if the circumstances aren't exactly like ours. However, if you are in or are thinking about being in, these are a few of my thoughts:

~ When you are together, make an effort to make memories. Plan ahead for dinners, hikes, events or whatever interests you share. Make each meeting cherished and a building block to being closer. Don't rely on memories or future plans to keep you going.

~ Be of a less impressionable age. I know the threshold for the end of adolescence keeps being pushed further and further back, but make sure both you and your significant other are done with the major life defining shifts before you part. I think this is just age, but it might be experience. This way, you won't change too drastically while you're apart.

~ Find something you could do together that is new and exciting for you both. A common ground that you can discuss and explore together. Maybe its a book, maybe its a new activity. But you need something to discuss and share in common.

~ Make every effort as possible to see each other. Yes, it might mean missing out on some opportunities in your current situation, but its worth it for the relationship.

~ Be honest about your feelings and try to talk about them as much as possible.

~ Finally, and most importantly, when you are separated- don't look at other people. Don't entertain thoughts of them. Don't try to get to know them better if you are interested. It's not fair for anyone involved.

I wouldn't do a long distance relationship again. Ever. Much less for three years. I'd much rather relocate or not go than have the pain of being apart for all that time. Because, and I might have glossed over this, but these relationships hurt. It's lonely, miserable and fraught with problems.

This is an example of the more personal posts I may sometimes be indulging in. It really does help with retrospection now, even if I go back to delete it later.

Une Petite Pensee: Books in Bags

Victorian Clutch Found Here

Now possessing a bag that can hold more than a wallet and a phone, I have the delightful option to carry books and notebooks with me where ever I go. When putting books in bags, put them spine facing up. Small items are less likely to be lost in the pages or the pages themselves to be crushed.

On Journaling

I've been journaling since I was 13. Over the last ten years, I've filled up six journals of varying thickness and with varying consistency. Or rather, startlingly regular inconsistency. I'll start, write every day for about two weeks and then forget about the journal for two months.

Still, even though my consistency leaves much to be desired (yet one more point for blogging: there is that slight pressure to keep writing) when I do journal I reap wonderful benefit. Really, I count as journalling any time you put pen to paper to help sort out the tangle of your mental confusion. Thus, your journal need not be concentrated in one book (though it is convenient). I probably have three times the amount of writing found in my bound journals spread out over moleskins, school note books, random scraps of paper, backs of receipts.

But I really think the value of journaling is less in having a perfect record of your past years and more for the insight it allows the workings of your mind. My mind scatters and scrambles and flits from point to point like a berserk butterfly. I can't sit down and really think through an issue. But when a pen is forcing me to focus my thoughts, I can reach much deeper levels of comprehension because I don't get distracted by my nails, or what I'll wear tomorrow, or how so-and-so brushed me off, etc. Conclusions I couldn't have reached on my own can be found in journaling. And, if you're more consistent than me, trends longer than the memory can hold can be found. Reading back through past entries over the years, I realized that there was a certain two week period in the fall when I felt horribly down, depressed and exhausted. Now, rather than assuming this was because of classes or relationships, I know that it is just something that happens.

In short, you should journal. Journaling is good. Allows yourself insight. Lets you vent some emotion on paper. Gives you a record to look back on. And here are some tips I've found for journaling:

~ Don't assume that you need an hour. You can get through a lot in ten minutes- or even five. Take a bit each night before bed if you can.

~ Don't write for an audience. Swear. Say bad things about other people. Give vent for your true feelings. Don't worry about your future self reading it or how it will look to historians. This is about you. Right now.

~ Write what is on your mind and in your heart right then. Too often I feel compelled to catch myself up to how I'm feeling and spend a page describing all the past events. When I finally do get to the point I really want to journal, I'm bored of it. So skip the context and the pretext- just write what is on your mind.

~ Journal dreams when you wake up. They are great to analyze later.

~ Make references to conversations you had with other people. You can chart friendships or relationships and it's great to see the first time you mentioned someone and your initial reactions.

~ Make sure you like the medium you're writing with and what you're writing on. I need a broad expanse of page and if my pen skips it annoys me to pieces.

Do you journal? What tips or guidelines do you follow?

New Beginnings and a New Direction

September has always marked the New Year for me.  Although the seasons were winding down the slow decline to winter, I was just gearing up for the new school year. New classes, new books, new clothes, new possibilities- each september promised a reinvention of myself. What more could you ask from a New Year?

Time and age have diminished the excitement of the beginning of the school year, as they do so many things, but this year I am faced with- what I am trying desperately to see as- a chance at a total new beginning. What better time to have it than now in September?

While this blog has discussed my personal experiences as I try to apply my aesthetic of Neo-Aristocracy to my life, there has been a level of abstraction. I've presented situations and scenarios that, while personal, have already been thought through until that nugget of knowledge or inspiration could be found. However, I'm going to need this blog for something more personal.

Two weeks ago, my fiance, The Law Student, cheated on and then broke up with me. It would have been five years this month.

We had met the first year of undergrad and spent four of our most formative- or so I thought- years in uncanny harmony. That time culminated in 6 weeks spent travelling Europe with no love lost despite the continual presence. It was in Europe that we agreed to be married after school. But Gradschool pulled us to opposite ends of the country. I went up North for Acupuncture; he went south for law school.  I now have some very strong thoughts about long distant relationships.

Then this summer, he met someone. What started as a dismissible crush turned into all night conversations and declarations of mutual love, before he told me everything that happened. I wanted to rebuild our relationship; he wanted a polyamorous one among other things. After a weeks discussion and reflection, he finally made a decision and broke up with me.

There is a lot to process about this break up. A lot of the details were very ugly and poorly handled- especially on his part. It has raised so many more questions about the nature of relationships and difficult situations and given me a few revelations about life. So much of what I thought I knew about how the world and the human mind worked is gone.

As I'll probably explain later, having this blog has helped me in so many ways than I thought possible- but also as an avenue for self-exploration. Journaling is essential and important, but sometimes the extra push of knowing others will be reading your thoughts is needed.

Some degree of distance is essential for a blog- after all, my readers- though dear- are not family or friends and a blog is public for all. So there will be no furious rants or heartfelt sobs. Yet, this is too important a change to not mention.

How will this blog change? I can't say for certain. I'll analyze certain parts of this experience and try to draw greater lessons from them. I'll certainly be putting some more thoughts about romance, relationships, and love. A lot of reflection about what I now want from my life. I'd love to hear your thoughts on them too. But I'll still want to discuss clothing, aesthetics, food and the principles of Neo-Aristocracy, but there will be this more personal tinge as well.

It has been a very busy and life changing August and this next year will offer many opportunities for growth and change. What changes will you be going through?

Unintended Benefits: Blogging and Blogilates

It is unfortunate that when we think of unintended consequences, they are generally bad. You wanted to hold the door open for the woman behind you and end up either being yelled at for assuming she's helpless or holding up traffic. You send an e-card to your grandchild and it opens a virus when they download it. And so forth.

But I've recently had two chances to reap positive unintended benefits from two regular- if not daily- activities.

First, as you might all guess, I blog more or less regularly.  In the past season, it's been a rare week when I don't set down two or three of my thoughts into the blog format. Normally, if someone asks my why I blog, I'll answer something along the  lines of "to develop my personal philosophy and sense of aesthetics." But so much writing has had another benefit.

On the last day of my manditory intro to Psych class, we had a paper do. I, in one of the flaws that I am in constant struggle with, procrastinated up until the last weekend. But, when I sat down to actually hammer something out, the words flowed much, much easier than they ever had before. I could express myself much more clearly. My sentences flowed more easily. I didn't become distracted by the siren call of the internet nearly as much. And I think this is all a result of blogging so often.

The practice of sitting down regularly and trying to make my jumbled thoughts somewhat orderly and understandable has translated into a greater skill when writing ten page papers as well as a blog post. I certainly never sat down to blog with the intention of improving my writing (if I did, nothing would be posted for fear of judgement) but the sheer volume that I have done has reaped tangible if not expected rewards.

The other unitended benefit is from my Blogilates work outs (which were going fine until finals week). I live on the top of a hill which makes biking to school each day a breeze, but when I find myself starting the long trek back home and reach the first incline, I'm as likely to hop off my bike and walk it up as I am to bike it. If I did bike it, I would end up a sweating, huffy mess by the top of the hill (yes, you can still be a Neo-Aristocrat when you're a sweating, huffy mess).

However, this past week I've been able to bike up the hill every day. Oh, it is still  more fun to go down hill. And yes, I do have to tell myself "exercising my will, I'm exercising my will," as I pedal up. But I finish it. And I end up being less of a sweaty, huffy mess than usual- even after not stopping at any of the lights. This is a nice benefit of the Blogilates (and after only two weeks too!)

What unitended benefits have you had from regular practice?

Scheduling note: I'll be traveling for the rest of the month and won't be able to post or answer comments. I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your month.

A Daily Dose of Your Aesthetic

Edwardian Street Fashion

Today, I made an effort and dressed up. I had a simple errand to run: a quick trip to the mall to upgrade my old, faltering phone to something new and less likely to give out of battery in an hour or send random texts to random contacts while in my bag.  My first instinct was to just throw on a basic skirt and matching top- after all, it was only the mall. As long as I looked decent, right?

The siren call of "The Efficient" or "The Good Enough" is a powerful one. Many times, it is wise to heed her call- when we are stressed, busy, or tired there is no use adding guilt to exhaustion by wracking our brains to think of a way to do this- in that vague word- better.  After all, an act of beauty should only ever be an indulgence- not a duty.

However, there are often times when you do have the energy, mental clarity, and time to imbue your life activities with an extra bit of effort and consideration. Everything from slowing down to sit and eat your breakfast at the table, writing a message with a nicer pen, to dressing up to go to the mall. It is important to take these little efforts, even if they seem pointless in the mean time. There is a lot of inertia, especially when you've already put on one outfit, think you're going to be late, or need to jot down the note in a hurry. 

Except that any lifestyle is the sum of your daily choices. If you want to live as a Neo-Aristocrat- or in any lifestyle besides the mainstream cult of Efficiency and Busyness- you'll have to imbue each of these small daily choices with aspects of that aesthetic. 

It's work. It's not always the natural thing to do. It sometimes requires forethought and planning or an abrupt change mid-activity. But it is, I think, one of the essential aspects to deliberately cultivating your personal aesthetic.

What do you do to add a touch of your aesthetic to your daily life?

What an Aristocrat Should Know: Part III

What is she waiting for?

1. An Aristocrat should have a reading list and be updating it constantly.

2. An Aristocrat should acknowledge these two scientific theories:

2.1. Climate Change is currently ongoing.

2.2. Evolution does govern existence.

3. An Aristocrat should be able to distinguish between black, green, white and herbal teas, even if she doesn't partake of them herself.

4. An Aristocrat should know how to hard boil, scramble and fry eggs.

5. An Aristocrat should know when to rest and do nothing if it gives her a chance to recuperate.